[opening theme music playing]
[man] Hey!
If we're gonna catch up to the Archdruidess,
we'll need our best horses.
Or some really fast cows.
[Zøg babbling]
Oh, no. Dad!
[indistinct chatter]
Kiddo, I would love to have you as one of my exes,
but I think it's best if you think of me as your slutty grandma.
I would be honored.
-[kisses] -[Zøg continues babbling]
Okay, everybody! Move along. Haven't you seen a honking king before?
Elfo, don't wander off. We're outta here in 30 seconds.
[Elfo] Hmm.
Hey! Wedding's cancelled.
The reception's that way. The faster you run, the more beer you get.
[crowd clamoring]
[Zøg groans]
[suspenseful music playing]
Mmm.
[groaning]
[babbling]
Dad, are you gonna be okay? I gotta go now.
I got Pendergast to look after me. Maybe we'll go bowling.
Hey, sorry for how things turned out. But thanks for saving me.
[babbling]
It's the least I could do after killing you.
-Ooh! Lookie, a black kitty-cat. -I told you, I'm not a cat!
Luci, I need you to stay here and take care of my dad.
What? No! No way in hell. I'm not doin' it.
You can't make me. Not a chance. [purring]
[moans]
Don't even think about it.
Ah, okay, fine.
Would you mind wiping off my drool?
[engine revs]
Look what I found!
-What? But I thought… -You thought wrong.
[brakes screeching]
[engine revving]
[grunts] What are you doin', you?
[Elfo] Wait there! We'll be right back!
I'm never riding a horse again! This is the height of luxury.
[bugs splattering]
Yeah!
Are we on the right path?
-[faintly] Seconds from now-- -What?
[loudly] I said, "Seconds from now, take a sharp right turn!"
[both scream]
[Elfo screams]
Are you okay, Elfo?
Yes, but I can never have children now.
[faint laughter]
Hey!
[laughter continues]
What is that? A large ape and an unfinished man?
Oh! Princess Tiabeanie and an unfinished man.
What a surprise!
Old man Malfus! Laughing Horse! Malfus, maybe you can help us--
[Malfus] It is written on the walls that you must take this horse on your journey.
You're writing that right now.
Just take the ding-dang horse.
And all his horse porn.
Come on, boy, giddy up. Thanks, Malfus!
[Laughing Horse laughs]
[Malfus] Wait! You took the wrong box!
Elfo, what are you doing? Pay attention!
Oh, sorry, Bean. I'm reading a really interesting pictorial.
Aw!
And the old man had a candy cane!
-[laughs] -[Bean groans]
Come on, Bean! This is gold!
[laughs]
Laughing Horse, you're just encouraging him.
Okay, okay, three elves walk into a candy bar--
[laughs]
-He even laughs at the setups! -[sighs heavily]
What kind of weird fog is this?
My hat is drooping and my shoes are uncurling.
Oh, my God, Bean, I know what happened.
We died when we fell off the cliff. And now we're in Heaven!
[Bean] Better than Heaven, Elfo.
Welcome to Steamland.
[Bean] Laughing Horse stands out like a laughing thumb.
We gotta leave him somewhere safe.
Make us some money while we're away!
[laughs]
Giddy up, horsey!
[groans]
-[man 1] What's with the garden gnome? -[man 2] Hey, lady, your kid's a freak!
We gotta cover up those pointy ears, dude.
I don't think they get lots of elves around here.
I don't think they get lots of giant mouse teeth, either.
Sorry, I'm a little damp and cranky. Look at my shoes.
[Elfo exclaims]
Welcome, gentlemen.
She's not a man, she's a manly lady.
He's not a man, either.
Don't matter to me which what way you are.
It's pitch black in there, anyway.
Go on, little buddy.
And be sure not to grab someone else's clothes on the way out, okay?
Go!
Oh, look at all these wallets. People are so trusting.
Ooh!
Hey, Bean!
-What took you so long? -[grunts]
-Unbelievable. -Quick, before they get angry!
Stop, thief!
[monkey screeches]
[pants]
-How do I look? -Like a wealthy potbelly stove.
You think?
[grunts]
This place has a lot of moving parts, so stick close.
Can I hold your hand?
That won't be necessary.
Where are you going?
-Away, it seems. -Elfo!
-Excuse me! Pardon me! One side! -[exclaiming]
-[brakes squealing] -[man] Ow.
[Archdruidess] Shaddup!
Those were my legs, lady! You could've used a hand signal!
Hand signal, eh?
Ow! Ow!
[Elfo] Go after her, Bean!
I'm addicted to stealing wallets now.
[panting] Whoa!
[grunting]
Yes!
Ow!
[panting]
Whoa!
Oh!
[man on-screen] Princess Diandra, we must return the Orb of Splen-dor
lest it destroy the kingdom.
[scoffs] Come on! Who talks that way?
But the Orb also gives life to Zandoro, my elf companion.
Hello, it is I, Zandoro.
[scoffing] Uh, what? That's an elf?
Hey, pipe down, will ya?
If I wanted to be annoyed, I'd be home with my family! Shush!
Uh, no, actually, I won't shush!
[sword swishing]
Ugh, and swords don't make a shling sound every time you wave 'em around.
That's just lazy sound design.
-[sword swishing] -Ugh, there it goes again.
Shling, shling, shling!
-It's a freakin' shling party. Ugh. -[audience shushing]
[man] Quiet.
Now they're dancing?
Why do they have scenes like this that don't move the story along?
-Ow! -Have some dignity, man! This won't do!
Here.
-Oh! Thank you so much. -None of it, sir.
Anything for a fellow LGS member, what-what.
A what-what what?
League of Gallivanting Scrutinators, of course.
The explorers' club.
[chuckles] What?
Now come along. They stop serving breakfast cocktails in five minutes.
Your whisky sour, sir.
Mmm, yum.
Next time just bring the sour part.
Less to carry, thank you.
[scoffs] And Bean thought I couldn't take care of myself.
There I was, trapped on the mountain peak.
On one side, a ferocious yeti. On the other side, a ferocious bigfoot.
A bigfoot and yeti?
A veritable sandwich of danger.
Whatever did you do?
Why, I introduced them to each other and officiated at their wedding!
Nine months later, I was godmother to young Fleebor.
To Fleebor!
[indistinct chatter]
Hey! I've been to Hell.
-[all gasp] -[monocle splashes]
Hmm.
[panting]
[breathing heavily]
Okay, what is this?
Oh, my God. Calm down.
Oh, no. This is your life now… forever!
[yells]
[laughs]
I defeated your Portal of Many Rotations.
Congratulations. Just in time for the morning shift.
[siren blowing]
Oh!
Hmm.
[snoring]
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come back here, kitty, and take a cat nap with me.
[rope winding up]
-[thud] -[Luci] Ow!
[grunts] Neither of us are cats!
-[grunts] -See, ain't that nice?
You're my little spoon.
Well, I'm gonna knife you in your throat.
-[grunts] -What the…
[Zøg screams]
Your Majesty, so nice to have company.
This is usually such a lonely journey.
Now swim for it, before the crabs swarm over you.
Oh, no.
[buzzing]
You should crank out a few more before the lunch whistle blows.
A whistle tells you when to eat?
And another for when to work, and another for when to take breaks,
and another for when to stop daydreaming.
Wow. Whistles control you.
[whistle hoots]
[Bean] Finally! Lunch!
No, they're just testing our product.
[whistle hoots]
That's the lunchtime whistle.
The automat.
Open any glass door where you see a sandwich.
Don't open the doors which have bloodshot eyes staring back at you.
Why?
Those are the angry sandwich makers.
Why are they angry?
They get paid in sandwiches.
[Bean] Wow! You can really taste the rage.
Thanks for all this… Um…
Gordy Stewson, happy worker.
I'm… Tia.
Yeah, that's it.
Man, I wish the automat could give me what I really want.
-And that is? -Someone who works here.
Evil eyes, holier than thou attitude, always scheming.
I'm guessing she works in Human Resources. She looks like this.
That salami could be anyone.
Tia, this company is gigantic
and makes everything from blimps to buses to banjos.
There's even a division that makes banjo music for blimps!
Oh, I love "Foggy Mountain Airship Disaster."
[imitates guitar]
[imitates explosion]
♪ We're on fire ♪
[imitates screaming]
Gordy.
-Gordy! Gordy, focus. -Sorry.
This meat woman you seek, she could work anywhere.
But you know your way around. You could help me find her.
Loitering outside of designated work zones is grounds for dismissal.
So it's agreed, we don't get caught.
Oh, I've been all over.
Dankmire, Heaven, Mermaid Island, yeah, even the Lost City of Cremorrah.
Which actually is now the Found City of Cremorrah since I was there, I suppose.
[all laugh]
-[man] Liar! -[all gasp]
-What? -Are you calling me a liar?
Because you didn't specifically mention me.
I am, sir!
And by club rules, I demand you produce proof of your exploits.
Okay, well, um, this one time in Hell, I thought I saw a demon's butt,
and then I realized it was just your mama's face.
[all laugh]
Oh, snaps!
What you say has the ring of truth.
Mother was a homely woman.
I withdraw my challenge and salute your various exploits.
[all] Huzzah!
That's gotta be her! Come on.
Be careful! Our lunch break's almost over.
Oh, boy, here we go.
[gasps]
Hey, I'm makin' sandwiches here!
Sorry, sorry!
Get the hell outta here!
Great sandwiches, by the way.
-You could go easier on the mayonnaise. -[screams]
Whoa!
[chuckles]
[whistle hoots]
Oh, no, I can't remember what that whistle is for.
We have to get back down to the line!
[Bean] Whoa!
-How do you do? -[Gordy] How do you do?
[Bean grunts]
By the way, you were right about the mayonnaise.
Man, after-work drinks taste so much better than instead-of-work drinks.
Tia, you're funny. Where are you from?
Um, a country setting.
It's kind of like a farm, with less milking and more stabbing.
Well, wherever you grew up, you sure didn't learn about fear.
Tell me about who you're after.
She's a psycho. If I were afraid, I wouldn't be here.
I'd be with my psycho dad. Or my psycho mom.
I know a lot of psychos.
Here's to hoping you aren't a psycho, too.
[burps]
[Gordy] That was kind of fun. You can sleep in there tonight.
Thanks, Gordy.
Sweet dreams, worker number 124C41.
Oh! A buzzbrighter!
[all] Turn that off!
[Bean] Oh, sorry.
[whistles hooting]
Morning, Tia.
Pretend we planned to meet here so no one yells at me for cutting in line.
[Archdruidess over speakers] Attention, employees!
Tonight is Company Night at Steamland Amusement Park.
Ugh. I hate hanging out with work people outside work.
What? They can still hear me?
I thought you had to press the button.
Attendance is mandatory,
so get your butts down there, and don't gimme any
"I can't come, my arm got chopped off by a propeller" crap.
Also, happy birthday, Trudy in Blimpworks.
That's her voice coming out of that horn!
No wonder I couldn't find her. She shrank herself.
Maybe the mean lady will be at the amusement park.
And I was wondering if, um, you wanted to go with me, and--
Oh, I am totally gonna go. Look at this!
I'm gonna ride the hell out of those rides and eat a pile of deep-fried batter dogs.
Besides, it's mandatory, right? She'll have to be there.
This could be my chance to nab her good, and get my face painted like a tiger,
which I never have the opportunity to do back on the farm.
And we… Why are you all nervous?
I didn't know if you wanted to go with me.
Of course! I don't know how to get to the amusement park on my own.
[train whistle hoots]
[carnival music playing]
[man 1] Step right up, folks.
Take a trip through the past, present and future of steam.
It's as educational as it is moisturizing.
There she is!
Quick! She'll learn about steam before we do.
[man 2 over speakers] Steam! The warm, damp touch of modern life.
"But where does steam come from?" you ask,
with the stupidity of someone expecting to learn at a carnival.
-[Bean laughing] Whoa! -[man 2] Our journey begins here,
underground, where geothermal chambers boil aquifers to enormous pressures.
What the hell?
Whoo!
[man 2] Early Sauna Man used this natural resource to relax and maybe take a shvitz.
Then one day, a lonely monk nobody liked was walking near an outcropping.
When his remains were found,
people discovered his robes were perfectly clean
and no longer smelled like weird porridge.
A new village was built around these steam holes to harness this power,
a village called Dead Monksburg.
Now called Steamland.
Thanks to steam and the great Alva Gunderson,
anything is possible.
We hope you had a… blast?
-[steam whooshes] -[Bean coughs]
There's no way I'll see her in this crowd.
What if we get up high on that wheelie thing?
The Up-A-Go-Down Wheel? Sure.
Tia, do you think you might stay here?
Not on this Up-A-Go-Down Wheel, that would be a living hell.
I mean in Steamland.
-You've been so honest with me. -Totally honest.
Well, I haven't been.
Gordy, I'm not some innocent girl from a farmy place.
I'm a princess from a magical land far away.
Fairies, castles, demons, the works.
Man, I sound like a nutjob. [chuckles]
And that woman I'm looking for?
She's an archdruidess and she says "shaddup" in the meanest way possible.
Oh! I guess you'll want to get back to your fairytale life, then.
My life isn't so great.
I mean, I actually think yours is more free.
Seriously, all you have to do is report to work, do your job,
go home, and no one tries to kill you.
It's her! Right in front of us!
Or behind? I don't know, it's a circle.
[suspenseful music playing]
[man groans]
[Bean] Come on, come on!
No! …happening again!
No, no!
[yelling] Here we go!
[elevator bell dings]
Oh, no, we'll never get past him.
Elevator Boy.
None shall rise!
Uh…
We just came to tell you that everyone was waiting for you at the party.
-No one ever misses me. -That's not true.
Escalator Girl misses you. She asked if you were coming.
Really? Escalator Girl asked about me?
She said she really admires how you started from the bottom
and then went straight to the top.
And then back to the bottom.
And she came here to tell you that herself.
-No way. She's here? -Right this way.
Go!
Ha! That's what you get for believing in love.
[elevator music playing]
Ah! At last. Come, have a drink, Tia.
Or should I say "Bean"?
Alva Gunderson?
Or should you say "Gordy"?
Gordy?
Or should you say "Alva"?
Stop moustaching yourself!
Gordy?
Oh, my God. Did you use the stairs?
Freight elevator. It's one of my favorite tricks.
-Beer? -No!
Yeah. [slurps]
A king!
You want we should put him in the bilge with the other kings?
[Oona] Is okay, Roy.
-We'll return him to throne room. -All right.
Oona! You're my queen again.
No, Zøggy, I am married to ocean now.
But maybe I stick around until you are better?
Yeah, you were always good at stickin' to things.
Hey, where's my kitty cat? Have you seen him?
I got a lot of cat questions.
[Bean] If I didn't love Bitsy's Bitterbeer so much,
I'd throw this can right at your face.
Then again, I don't know who the hell's face I'd be throwing it at.
At my face, Bean. I'm Alva. This is the real me.
Gordy Stewson was simply my cover to meet you.
I had to test you to see what you were like.
So you wear a fake moustache when you're yourself?
A confusing prank I pulled once.
Sadly, I've had to commit to the moustache ever since.
More beer? Six-pack for the princess.
Hey, don't I know you?
Nope.
Bean, I wanted to meet you so much.
I sent my brother Skybert to Dreamland, but I never heard back from him.
-I hope he's okay. -Yeah, I'm sure he is.
And the Archdruidess? How does she figure in all this?
I had the Archdruidess lure you here. I even gave her an expense account,
which she was supposed to keep receipts for.
Then you approved of what she did? She buried my father alive.
And she tried to shoot me! And she did shoot Turbish.
Wait, she did what? I had no idea.
Betty, send in the Archdruidess immediately.
You must believe me. I'd never approve--
Approve what?
Calm down, Princess. Royalty is meaningless in Steamland.
Intellect is king. Isn't that right, sugarlobes?
Did you really bury her father alive and shoot at her?
There was a beheading, too. Don't forget the beheading.
-You were simply told to lure her here. -And I delivered what you wanted.
Now how's about givin' mama a little of what she wants, huh?
I did not ask you to leave a trail of death and destruction.
You're fired. Security!
Drag her away.
I gave you my heart and you stomped on it!
Curse you! And you, too! A knuckle sandwich to all of you!
[both grunt]
I know you don't trust me, but whatever you do, do not trust him.
If I can't trust you, how can I trust you to tell me who to trust?
Shaddup.
[struggling] No! No!
Not the little door!
[door closes]
And there, in the middle of the jungle,
he slapped me on the bum-bum.
[all laugh]
Chums, I've had the journey of a lifetime.
I lost ten good men to the frozen north,
but I also lost five jerks, so it balanced out.
Shush! You're interrupting the most wondrous tale from our newest member.
Yeah, park it, old-timer. You might wanna take some notes.
-[all laugh] -Learn? From you?
Why, I'll have you know, there's not a single corner of this world
that I haven't explored, conquered or shot at.
-Oh, think so? -Indubitably.
Oh, I think can duble it.
Why, the effrontery! Sir, I lay you a club challenge.
Name a place, any place, that you have been that I have not.
Elfwood.
-[all gasping] -What?
A real place, sir. Not some sojourn of your drunken dreams.
But it is real. And I've really been there.
Your proof?
-Ta-da! -[all gasping]
[monocle splashes]
An elf for my shelf.
Bean, I've never met anyone as bold or clever as you,
so I feel comfortable saying this.
There's a power in Dreamland beyond anything we have here.
You call it magic, but really, it's simply natural phenomena we don't yet understand.
But science, or "stience," as you call it,
can harness that magic into a force for good.
-What exactly are you offering here? -Definitely not your job back.
You made only one steam whistle, and this is it.
[whistle hoots poorly]
An alliance is what I'm offering, between magic and science.
Whoa! This is big. I really need some time to drink about this.
-You mean-- -I know what I said.
[sighs]
At least Elfo is out there having fun.
[sighs]
[closing theme music playing]