[opening theme music playing]
[man] Hey!
-[doorbell ringing] -[gasps]
Ugh! Who is interrupting my insomnia?
"Message for Princess Tiabeanie."
-You Tiabeanie? -Yeah.
Hmm.
-[gasps] -[melody playing]
[groans]
[doorbell rings]
What?
There's more, lady.
Whoa!
"I shower you in roses."
Now what?
[plays note]
[all singing] ♪ Come, Tiabean, in my flying machine ♪
♪ Going up she goes Up she goes ♪
♪ Up, up a little bit higher ♪
♪ Oh, no, the blimp is on fire ♪
[Bean yells]
[man] Wait! We know two more songs!
[adventurous music playing]
[kids scream]
[people yelp]
-[bell dings] -[steam whistle blows]
[car ride honks]
Welcome to the fanciest freak show on Pier 33!
Remember our motto. "No refunds!"
Meet Inky Winky.
Every tattoo tells a tale.
Usually, one about getting drunk and waking up with another tattoo.
-[man] Put it on! -[crowd claps]
Huh? That's enough.
Recoil at the worst humanity has to offer in The Horrors of Puberty!
Meet my son, Petey.
I hate you, Dad.
Quickly now, before he slams the door.
I don't have a door! Get out of my room! I wanna go live with Mom!
And now, feast your eyes on the comely Mora,
the only mermaid in captivity.
[grunts]
[Mora groans]
But she's happy to be here. Aren't you, Mora?
It's a freak show from where I am, too.
[crowd claps]
And now, the velvet curtain parts to reveal Edith,
the beautiful and mysterious fortune-teller.
A yo-yo trick gone awry severed her head,
and yet, somehow, gave her incredible powers of prognostication.
[all] Ooh!
Kept alive by the miracle of science,
she can predict the future of anyone who possesses a mere quarter.
[crowd exclaims]
Moving along now, the latest in my menagerie of marvelocity,
the walking, talking, happy little elf, Elfo.
-Say hello to the nice people, Elfo. -Nope.
-Come on, boy, what's your catchphrase? -Uh-uh.
-Don't you wanna earn your cracker? -Mmm-mmm.
"Hi."
I don't think so.
"Hi, I'm…"
Not a chance.
"Hi, I'm Elfo."
No can do, P.T.
Everybody, all together now. "Hi, I'm Elfo."
-[all] Hi, I'm Elfo. -Again!
[all] Hi, I'm Elfo.
Really give it to him.
[all loudly] Hi, I'm Elfo!
Say it, boy!
[yells] Hi, I'm Elfo!
[groans] This is so humiliating.
[slurping]
[Alva] No!
Hennessy, Watkins, Yonji, get in here!
Look, boys. Look what she did to the card you made!
Find Princess Tiabeanie and bring her back, alive.
No, no, no, don't take the stairs!
[crashing]
[sighs]
-[indistinct chatter] -[carnival music playing]
[elephant trumpets]
Three cards shall I play, and your fate revealed.
Insert coin.
-[buzzes] -It's a quarter slot, you rube!
-[dings] -There you go.
Ugh. What a scam. Suckering poor saps who believe in destiny.
"Panda. Punch. Pain."
Tarot cards, my ass! That fortune don't make no sense.
-[man yelps] -[people gasp]
Wow.
Hey, mister, your hat is ugly!
Wow. Really? That's all you got, peewee?
You act angry on the outside,
but deep down, you feel lonesome and inadequate.
-That's painfully accurate! -[boys laugh]
Get outta here, ya smug little bastards. You're gonna peak in kindergarten!
[boys laugh]
[Elfo] Hi, I'm Elfo's hand!
Bye, I'm on break.
-[groans] -[Mora] Tough luck, kid.
-Huh? -She only responds to quarters.
[babbling]
Uh-oh. [honks]
Pussy cat's got fleas!
I hope that don't mean bubonic plague! [babbles]
I do not have fleas, you red-haired son of a bitch.
If anything, I got bedbugs from you. I'm only doing this for Bean.
Odval! Sassy cat needs a bath!
-Oh. Turbish, get over here. -Yes, dear.
I mean, yes, Your Highness.
[Luci grunting]
[Luci sputtering]
[chuckling]
[sputtering]
All washed up! Now to dry!
[Luci] Oh, no.
[Luci groans]
-[Luci] Ooh. -Ooh!
I know what would be fun.
Welp, it can't be much worse than this.
Come, let us walk among our adoring subjects.
[grunting and babbling]
[growling]
[grunts]
[groans]
Life sucks.
[mumbling indistinctly]
[all laugh]
Oh, this is torture.
And I taught kindergarten in Hell for 9,000 years.
Ooh! I look like a macho flowerpot.
[all meowing]
Uh, like, I've heard of fashion disasters, but you, sir, are a genocide.
Wait, you're an actual talking cat?
Uh, yes, I seem to have, like, been cur-sed to perfection.
-[cat yowls] -[Luci grunting]
[laughs] I will miss the belly rubs.
[exclaims]
Now, to blend invisibly into the crowd.
[gasps]
[Bean] What?
Bean, come back. Please, I'm paying a lot for this ad.
Whoa!
-[gasps] -[baby wailing]
[horn blares]
-[tires screech] -[woman] Hop on, hot stuff.
It's you! You saved me!
I'm your knight in rusty armor.
Hey, what happened?
I gave you my number, but you never called.
Yeah, I still don't know what those words mean.
-Plus, I've been real busy. -Don't spare my feelings.
No, really, I have. I got burned at the stake and stuff.
Now I'm trying to find my little buddy, Elfo.
Got it.
So describe this Elfo fella.
-Well, he's a teeny, little guy-- -Got it!
No, he's not a jockey.
-He's green-- -Got it!
He's not a child laborer.
-He's a teeny, little green elf-- -Got it!
Well, obviously, he's not here. You gotta work on your listening skills.
[softly] Edith.
Edith.
[yells] Edith!
-Yeah? -Oh, sorry, did I wake you?
No, I couldn't sleep with all that sobbing.
That was you, right?
Oh, uh… [chuckles]
Yeah, I wasn't sobbing. I was sniffling.
I have a severe allergy to hay, and manure,
and loneliness.
Elfo, never say "loneliness" in a freak show.
It's the worst word you can say, apart from "freak" and "show."
Oh, I get it. It's because we're in a lonely freak show.
Oh. Damn it.
Don't take this the wrong way, but shut up, Elfo.
Aw. You sound just like my friends back home.
[Mora] "Home" is another word you don't say here.
I miss my island so much. But I had big dreams.
Mora swam to Steamland to make it in the moving pictures.
I wanted to be a big star, but they said I didn't have what it takes.
-Talent? -No, legs.
Hey, you did do those voices for the Squalid Squirrel cartoons.
Yeah. Dreams fulfilled.
I saw one of your cartoons yesterday!
Do you make things up as you go along? Because that's what it felt like.
You know what, Elfo? I don't like you.
I don't like you, either. You're lucky you're even in show business.
In fact, all of you weirdos ought to thank me.
I give you a place to sleep. I give you unlimited cold hot dogs.
I give you legitimacy.
[scoffs] That's rich coming from a guy who puts a toddler in a trench coat
and calls him The Incredible Shrinking Man.
-Zip it, Edith. -Yeah, Edith.
Hey, don't talk to her like that, you big, fat phony!
What did you just call me?
-Ow! -I learned that
from a Squalid Squirrel cartoon.
And my water nozzle's not broken, you just haven't refilled the bottle!
[indistinct chatter]
One of my freaks is giving me a lot of static.
Oh! Is he some sort of an electric man?
No, I meant figuratively.
Say, you're starting that island hunting resort
for bored rich people, aren't you?
If we can round up enough exotic animals, yes.
How'd you like a very fast elf?
Will he scream when he's shot?
Oh, yes, he's a screamer.
[both cackling]
You're, um, like, petting my eye. Yeesh!
What the… You're not my royal kitty-cat!
I am now, fatso. Call me, uh… Scruffles.
I like you better than that other cat. He questioned my sanity.
[blows raspberry and honks]
Maybe you should, uh, like, kill him?
[whimpering]
[Edith] Elfo? Elfo, wake up!
Quit jabbin' me, I'll dance! I'll dance! [gasps] Oh.
Hi, Edith.
Thanks for sticking up for me. You're a brave guy.
Aw. Thanks for not saying "brave little guy."
I get so much of that from my friend, Bean.
P.T. really had that punch comin'.
[chuckles] Yeah. I got him right in the eye with my tiny fist.
Oh, my God, I'm insulting myself.
At least you have a fist. I don't have a body at all.
That doesn't matter, Edith.
We're all ashamed of some flaw we can't change.
[chuckles] I mean, every day I obsess about my green skin,
but obviously there's nothing wrong with that.
Nature is full of green.
Bullfrogs are green, tree frogs are green, pond frogs are green. [chuckles]
The real problem is this notch in my left ear.
It's hideous.
Oh, Elfo, an ear notch? That's cage thinking.
You can't be self-conscious just because people gawk at you every day.
-Hey, Edith? -Yeah?
I know you can't say "freak," and I know you can't say "home,"
but is the word "pretty" okay?
Well, it depends on the context.
[Elfo] You've got a pretty voice.
I'll allow it.
Ruh-oh.
Though I was next in line to be King of Cats, I knew I had to vamoose.
Like, leave my kingdom and head out for adventure.
Oh, I know that feeling.
Uh, yeah, but, like, quiet, we were talking about me.
Though I have traveled the whole world,
I think there is no finer place to call my new home
than, like, right here.
Dreamland.
You add a touch of class to our humble, yokel-infested country.
All right, uh, listen up. I expect to live in a manner
to which a royal personage such as myself is, like, you know, accustomed.
Guys, I don't know what Scruffles the Cat is up to here,
but it sure ain't the Luci Special.
I bring good old-fashioned psychological torture to the party, okay?
Just like your grandmother made.
Ah, you're just jealous, old cat.
Yes, please, Luci, go bother Stan in the dungeon or something.
Prince Scruffles, tell us about this crown you lost.
Well, it had jewels and, you know, cat stuff. [laughs]
Like, scram, nose-job. He's my chump now.
Yeah, Luci, I'm his chump now. Get outta here!
[grunts] Stupid cat. I used to be the most annoying guy around here.
[sighs]
Wow! This malnutrition is really slimming.
Beat it, peewee. The kiddie rides are that way.
End of the pier and keep walkin'.
[gasps] Elfo!
Edith. [chuckles]
You're even more beautiful, and bejeweled, than I imagined.
And you're taller than I imagined.
Full disclosure, I am standing on two stools.
Oh, my God, you're out of your cage. Why don't you just leave?
I'm not getting out of here without you.
Oh, Elfo, that's crazy.
No, it's not.
See that grocery bag over there?
I'll punch holes in it so you can see where we're going.
We'll roam the countryside, performing for farmers by day,
stealing their eggs by night. I can dance.
I can play the harmonica, if you hold it up to my mouth and move it.
It'll be paradise,
if you like raw eggs.
Oh, my God, enough with the romantic fantasies.
You'll be at each other's throats in a week.
[scoffs] She doesn't even have a throat.
-[yelps] -Gotcha!
I like your little jig. We'll add it to the act.
Now get your beauty sleep.
I'll be back tomorrow for the 5:00 a.m. hose down.
This can't be my fate, can it? Please, Edith, show me a card.
Oh, Elfo. Just one.
"Desire."
Look, Edith, the card said so!
Oh, Elfo, that could be love or lemon meringue pie.
-What's the difference? -[laughs]
Ugh. I wish I could drown.
[brakes squeal]
Why did we stop?
We've been driving for hours and you haven't offered me a drink,
so I'm gettin' one myself.
-You're kinda slow on the uptake, Bean. -Hey, I understand drinks.
Oh, my God, it's the same logo that was on Elfo's pin!
Bup, bup, bup. Members only. Sorry, madam.
I'm in no mood, Pierre. I'm assuming your name is Pierre.
I rode around all day on a metal horse with a lady that talks in riddles.
Oh, Lady Bowmore, welcome back!
Excuse me while I dispose of this trash.
Not necessary. That hot trash is with me.
Here's your usual.
So it's agreed. I'll take possession of the elf immediately.
[gasps] Elfo?
Be warned, he's not one of the cute ones.
[gasps] Elfo!
[both snicker]
[Bean] Ow!
[gasps]
[breathing heavily]
[groans] So many stairs.
[sighs]
[exclaims]
[grunting]
I will never find that boot again. [groaning]
[sighs]
Please, I've got to know the rest of our destiny.
Two more cards.
Careful. You've gone from non-believer to fate junkie.
The cards, come on. Give me some of that sweet predestination.
Okay.
"Devotion." Ooh. That's a good one.
See? We're meant to be! And two Ds?
It's gotta be! Next card.
Come on, "Dinner Date."
"Decapitation"? [chuckles nervously]
Wait, it's you! You're just a head.
That's three Ds. That's gotta mean something!
-Listen, I dig you-- -[Elfo] Another D.
I'm feeling things down below and I don't even have a down below.
But tempting fate like this? It's risky.
Love is risky! That's what makes it so great.
When it pays off!
And at a quarter a pop, you're very affordable.
Three more cards.
Where did you get all those coins?
Oh. The hicks throw 'em at my head when I do somersaults.
Now let's see our future.
I'll show Zøg and that stupid cat. Nobody messes with my evil plans.
Shiyoo-yoo!
You ever had a, uh, Scruffles sandwich?
[muttering]
No, let me out of the coffin. I'll be good.
Don't make me talk to Elfo. [continues muttering]
[Luci] Zøg, buddy, wake up.
-[growls] -[yelps]
[grunts] Oh, it's you, kitty-cat.
[grunts]
You were having a nightmare. A bad one.
-All I have is nightmares now. -That's rough, I tells ya.
When I wake up, it's even worse.
In those brief moments between sleep and wakefulness,
I realize who I am and what's happening to me.
Kitty-cat, I'm going crazy. [whimpers]
Aw, come here, you fat-ass lunatic.
[kisses] Give me a kiss. It's gonna be okay. Okay, bubbeleh?
[singing] ♪ Rock-a-bye, Zøggy In the treetops ♪
♪ Just sleep it off I won't call the cops ♪
[snoring]
♪ When the king breaks The kingdom will fall ♪
♪ Then finally Luci's ruler of all ♪
I heard that.
[Bean gasps] Elfo!
I gotta drop down quietly.
-[bell dings] -[steam whistle blows]
Come on, deal the cards.
-"Disruption"? -[yells]
-Bean! -Elfo!
Are you okay? You look so much sadder than your poster.
-I have a poster? -Here, stick your foot out.
No, your other foot.
-[metal clanks] -[Elfo] Ow!
Ow! Ow!
-Goddamn you. -Let's go!
[all] Save us! Save us! Save us!
Okay, fine, but my arms are really tired.
I've been hanging off a blimp for, like, a while.
[barks]
[all cheering]
Elfo, don't!
[P.T.] That's right, Elfo, don't.
How do you wanna die? Slowly or extra slowly?
Extra slowly. Wait-- [gasps]
Elfo!
[Elfo choking]
[gasping]
[Elfo] What?
Oh, my God, Edith! You have a body!
Now it'll be even easier to run away together.
Do you know what this means?
We're one step away from happily ever after.
No, Elfo, I can't. I'm cursed.
Anyone who falls in love with me meets a horrible fate.
Decapitation isn't about me. It's about you. Those were your cards.
Then do three more cards. About us. About our future.
-"Doom. Despair." And "Death." -"Doom. Despair. Death."
[Edith] Ooh, that's the worst three cards I've ever dealt.
That's not good. Try another three.
-"Dread. Dismay. Damnation." -"Dread. Dismay." And "Damnation."
-[Edith] Ooh, that's even worse. -Jeez, a lot of Ds.
-Did you shuffle the deck? -Elfo, look.
"Devastation, Danger, Destruction, Darkness, Dummy, Disenchantment,
Deception, Deliciousness, Distress…"
Wait. Go back. "Deliciousness." There's hope!
I am pretty good with a deep-fryer, but it's not worth it.
Goodbye, Elfo.
-[Bean grunts] -[whimpers]
[panting] Okay, that's the final freak except you, Elfo. Let's go.
Okay, just, please give me a second.
Goodbye, Edith.
[gasps] No, Edith! Where did she go?
[sighs]
[P.T. grunts weakly]
[tense music playing]
-Elfo, this way! -[yelps]
[Elfo whimpering]
[robots whirring]
Bean, who have you pissed off this time?
[Bean] Oh, no.
This is all because Alva's after the magic.
[robots whirring]
[gasps] I don't have any magic!
[electricity crackles]
[Bean gasps] That ain't good.
[closing theme music playing]