[opening theme music playing]
[man] Hey!
Oh, my! I never thought I'd live to braid a queen's hair.
I always thought you'd be dead in a ditch by now.
Why is it that every time you're braiding my hair
you tell me I'm going to die?
[grunting]
Braids hurt my brain.
Okay, let's get this coronation over with.
Mop Girl, fetch me my royal stompers.
But what about your glass slippers, ma'am?
Oh, you're so going to die.
[regal horn music playing]
So, now that you're gonna be queen, does that mean we all move up a notch?
I just thought since the three of us are kind of an item,
you know, we'd maybe share the throne? Huh?
Do they have a crown for best friends?
As your new royal assassin,
I can arrange for Elfo to fall down a flight of stairs
in a comical yet suspicious manner. Ow!
Boys, this is serious.
Being on the throne's a huge, horrible responsibility.
But if I'm gonna do this, I gotta do it right.
Yes, of course.
I didn't get an answer on that best friend crown.
Oh! You showed up. Okay, showtime.
Nice dress. Let's get this circus underway.
♪ Queen Beanie, chili beanie ♪
♪ Boo dee bee dee-- ♪ [yelps]
Now, you listen up and you listen good.
Bean is going to be queen.
And the queen can no longer associate with those who are beneath her.
You are dismissed.
Did we just get dumped?
I look to you as the world's foremost authority.
The key to getting dumped is not knowing how to take a hint.
[trumpets playing regal tune]
Aw! Bean reserved a seat for me.
[grunts] I mean, it's unreal.
I can't believe I'm forced to sit in the back
with the fops and dandies and the merchant class.
I am a royal suck-up, damn it!
-[Luci] Sorry, this seat is taken. -[Elfo] Shut up.
[trumpets playing]
[shoes squelching]
[shoes continue squelching]
All rise!
[struggling]
[Luci] Hmm.
So, um, just wondering, in terms of our relationship, how are we?
I still don't like you or your eyeball, but you have valuable experience.
So we're okay for now.
Plus, I like to keep my enemies close.
Well, then, consider me your number one enemy.
[chuckles]
[piano music playing]
[beeping]
Ah! The Crown. My favorite show.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hags and geezers,
we are gathered here today--
-Just do it! -[scoffs]
And what shall be your first words
as Queen Tiabeanie the First, Ruler of the Glorious Dreamland Empire?
What the hell? This crown can suck it.
[crowd gasps]
"This crown can suck it."
Queen Tiabeanie, where are you going?
I want to address all my subjects,
not just the snooty ones with scepters up their butts.
How did she know? [groans]
[fanfare]
[crowd cheering]
-I'm friends with her. -[man] Really?
Then perhaps you can tell me why, for centuries,
only a male heir can be crowned, but now this?
I mean, this kingdom has rules, and to change them willy-nilly--
Herman, you're leaning out the window again.
Stop tempting fate.
[groans]
[thud]
Who did that?
[crowd cheering]
All right, thank you.
-Okay, that's enough. Settle down. -[crowd continues cheering]
If you're cheering and clapping while I'm talking,
that means you're not listening.
[shouting] Okay, shut up!
Thank you. Now listen.
Although I'm your ruler and that makes me all superior or whatever,
I feel like I know each and every one of you.
I've shopped at your stores and peed in your fountains.
I've gotten high in your drug dens and I passed out in your barrels.
So I want you to consider me more like your friend.
-[Turbish] Hi, friend. -Hi, Turbish.
[Turbish] Hi, friend.
I beg you, do not respond.
-[Turbish] Hi, Odval. -[sighs]
-[thud] -[Turbish] Ow, Odval.
And when a friend might want to break some unfortunate news to you,
and not have you panic, because it's really bad news…
She's trying not to panic herself.
As your queen, I command you
to run for your lives in an orderly fashion,
and definitely don't look behind you.
[all] Huh?
I said don't look behind you!
[all screaming]
[grunts]
[both grunt]
[dramatic music playing]
[Elfo] Ew, green.
[wind whooshing]
Big Jo.
That's right, Big Jo.
And Porky.
Who said that?
Big Jo? I thought he was dead. He looks like a cadaver.
That can still be arranged.
No, don't shoot.
[grunts]
Bean, I've had a lot of time to think since our adventure in Cremorrah,
when you buried me in sand and left Porky and me for dead.
I came to apologize.
[Bean] Then what's with the scary green smoke?
Oh, well, that's the pork sausages.
Porky has his own grill in the back of the wagon
and I toss him a sausage every ten miles if he runs fast enough.
Some people say that's why he's named "Porky."
-[Elfo] Is that true? -No.
And why should we trust you? Dude, you tried to kill us multiple times.
Even demons think you're a dick.
Perhaps it's because I've spent a lifetime
exorcising other people's demons, but never my own.
He does seem remorseful. Maybe he's telling the truth.
What shall we do, Your Majesty?
I don't know, he still looks kinda evil to me.
That's just my appearance. I have resting sinister face.
Well, I want this to be a progressive kingdom,
not one beholden to superstition and magic.
And these days, there is a modern way to get to the truth
without having to kill someone.
Throw him in the dungeon!
Hi, you're under arrest.
Boy, this went a completely different way in my head.
[grunts]
Oh, Big Jo, I've heard so much about your stoic manner and indomitable spirit.
It'll be an honor breaking them both.
Do what you will to Porky, but he will never talk.
Stan, I need to speak with the prisoners alone.
The queen wants me to press them for information.
Oh, good idea.
I'll just be over here, pressing this guy for information.
[whimpering and yelping]
We need to talk. Does he have to be here?
Porky, I thought I told you not to embarrass me with your antics today.
Go sit in a corner.
When I got your message to come here,
you didn't say anything about being locked in the dungeon.
I had no idea Bean would be so unforgiving.
Maybe if your disposition were a little sunnier…
[scoffs] I spit on your sunny disposition. To important matters.
I thought the dismal end of Zøg
was to be the grand beginning for our secret society.
Bean gaining the crown
has thrown a Turbish-sized monkey wrench into the works.
-Who's Turbish? -The bane of my existence.
-The chubby fellow who escorted you? -Oh, yes.
Never mind all that.
I called you here so you could help us out.
Indeed. Fortunately, I may have discovered
a key piece of information about the Curse.
[grunts]
The page torn from The Book Of Øgs. You took it?
My branch of the society has been desperate
for clues to the true meaning of the Curse.
I collect them when I have the chance.
Porky says he's going to put a scrapbook together,
but we shall see.
Anyway, check this out.
The ancient language of ancients!
Can you read it?
Only with my ancient glasses.
But I must get back to the queen before she suspects something.
She's alarmingly more on top of things than her father.
[babbling]
Hey, couldn't you take a less bumpy road?
Yes, I could.
[Zøg continues babbling]
[Elfo] "Elfo, nothing will tear us apart."
[sighs]
It's the end of an era. Bean's real royalty now.
And for the first time ever, she's outta my league.
I guess it's time to finally let you go.
Plus, I couldn't sell you at the indoor swap meet.
-[thud] -[groan]
[gasps] What the hell? Ogres?
[growling]
[Elfo] Oh, no, Junior.
[sniffing] Me smell something me sure me not like.
[whimpers]
Is the new throne to your liking, Your Majesty?
You do like it, right? No, you hate it, don't you?
No, well… Try that out, yes.
That's a nice feature, isn't it?
The beer holders are nice, but honestly,
shouldn't we be spending our time and money on the actual kingdom?
[chuckles] You are so hilarious, Queen. That was a joke, wasn't it?
[Elfo] Bean! Bean!
Ogres are attacking, and we're all gonna die.
Also, one of the ogres destroyed your painting. It wasn't me.
Sound the ogre alarm!
We don't have an ogre alarm, Your Majesty.
We've never been attacked by ogres before.
Just sound any alarm!
-[snaps fingers] -[bell tolling]
No, not the raccoon alarm. Just sound all the alarms!
[various bells clanging]
[man shouting] Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm!
What are we going to do? We have no king to protect us.
Woah! Woah! Woah!
I'm right here.
He just meant, it'd be better if we had a man to lead us.
Yeah, I know. Thanks, Bunty.
You're welcome, ma'am.
[whispering] Remember this insult when the revolution comes.
We could use your father's never-fail tactic.
Just throw servants over the wall
until the monsters get full from eating them and go home.
Great idea. We'll start with Bunty.
Woah! As much as I'm annoyed with Bunty,
I'm not throwing valuable servants over the wall.
I could fetch some of me children.
That's sweet, Bunty, but there's gotta be another way.
-[dramatic music playing] -[all grunting]
This is the hardest thing I'm ever going to do.
Release the kegs!
[ogres grunting and screaming]
-Now! -[exclaims]
[Junior screaming]
Give us the one you call Elfo.
Why? What did Elfo ever do to you?
Him stab eyeball. Hurt feelings.
Elfo, is that true?
Oh, Bean, who knows what happens in the fog of war?
You gotta hide yourself right now, dude.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not your friend. I'm your queen.
And as your queen, I'm ordering you to go.
[Elfo sobbing]
Hmm?
[screaming]
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[groaning] Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Ow, my ass.
What's wrong, Elfo?
Look at me, Trixy. Hiding. Like a wimp.
Meanwhile, my friend, ugh…
I mean, my queen, is up there fighting for me
while I'm just sitting around with a bunch of spooky weirdos
who hang on my every word.
[all] Your every word.
Because I'm your savior. That's it.
Trøgs, I know what it's like to be you.
Misunderstood. Rejected. Pushed aside and forgotten.
Nostrils. Weird little hats.
But if you want saving,
you need to save your saviors so we can save you later!
Big savings ahead!
-What are they doing? -They're thinking.
Where is Elfo? We want him now!
-Never! -He's hiding in the Fun Maze!
-[dramatic music playing] -[ogres grunting]
[all] Elfo?
[all continue repeating]
Look! They're going around in circles! We can't miss!
We'll see about that!
Oops!
Elfo not there. And that no Fun Maze.
Now we really mad.
[ogres grunting and clamoring]
[Elfo whistles]
[exclaims]
[laughs]
Hmm? Huh?
-Doink. -[grunting]
[all grunting]
We did it! We got them all!
And this is my first day on the job.
Uh-oh!
[gasps]
[yelps]
Thanks for the help!
Anything for our saviors!
You can take that with you if you'd like.
Hmm.
[gasps]
Could it be? [exclaims]
[groaning]
Yoo-hoo! [echoing]
Anyone here?
Hello?
[elf] Is that you, Rulo?
King Rulo to you. Who wants to know?
-It's Leavo. -Leavo?
What took you so long?
I wonder what happened to this poor bastard.
-My hunch was right! It's-- -The thing!
-The very thing! -Exactly.
-The very, very thing. -Shut up!
[Leavo] The legendary ancient seat of elven power, Candyass.
Hurry, we must re-stack these skulls
before anyone, even other elves, find out--
Ooh!
You realize what this means?
Dreamland is the long-lost home of the elves!
Hey, Rulo, find anything neat?
-No. -Definitely not.
-Scram! -Ooh!
All we got left is this me-flavored beer.
Don't celebrate yet. We have a problem.
Ugh!
Give us Elfo and we leave rest of you alone.
Refuse, and we kill all of you and take him, anyway.
How you like that?
So if we give them Elfo, they won't kill anyone.
Except for Elfo.
Fantastic. We're going to live, everyone.
-[Luci] Noice! -[all cheering]
Uh, excuse me?
I feel like we should workshop this before making any firm decisions.
Bean, don't do this. I have a family. My people need me.
No, we don't.
I'll get the catapult ready. We can toss him over right now.
No, I'm not giving them Elfo.
-You're not? -You're not?
[gasps] You're not?
No. There's no way I'm giving my best friend to those monsters.
I'm not a monster. They're the monsters.
Tiabeanie, your loyalty is admirable.
But you're the monster now… I mean, the queen.
You have a duty to protect the entire kingdom,
not just your tiny fan club.
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the Elfo.
But I can protect you. All of you.
Look, I've gotten you this far, okay?
I just need you, my loyal subjects, to trust me as your queen.
Now who's with me?
-[Luci] Uh, Bean? -[Bean] Who's with the queen?
When I say "queen," you say "Bean."
Queen! Queen!
Where's Elfo?
[Elfo] What?
-Bean, help! -Odval, stop!
Turbish, fire!
I don't know who to disobey.
-Ugh! -Ooh!
[screaming]
[Elfo continues screaming]
[Bean] Gotcha!
[ogres grunting and clamoring]
-[guards exclaim] -Up here!
[ogres grunting]
How's a flimsy piece of wood gonna hold back the ogres?
Haven't you ever seen an enchanted broom before?
What are you, some kinda wizard?
Well, now that you mention it…
[grunts]
The ancient scribblings. Did you find out?
Mmm, those crazy runes tell of a battle fought in Dreamland long ago,
between Tiabeanie's ancestors and their foes.
The foes lost but cast a curse
on all subsequent successors to the throne.
Foes? Who were they? And what of Bean? Is she mentioned?
It's frustratingly vague,
like when people say they'll be in touch.
Here's the plan, Big Jo.
And, Porky, I expect better behavior from you next time.
Don't talk to Porky that way. He's sensitive.
I'll be in touch.
Porky, get your ass off the floor. We're outta here.
The journey of a thousand sausages begins with a single breakfast link.
[dramatic music playing]
[exclaims]
[panting]
-We're safe up here. There's no way out. -Phew!
If we survive, we should really consider playing more team sports.
Ooh, it's gettin' pretty spooky out here.
How 'bout a little song to lighten the mood? Any requests?
-[honks] -You got it!
♪ The king in the cart goes Honk, honk, honk ♪
♪ Honk, honk, honk Honk, honk, honk ♪
♪ The king in the cart goes Honk, honk, honk ♪
♪ All night long ♪
[Zøg] Please, no more.
♪ The driver of the cart Goes stab, stab, stab ♪
♪ Stab, stab, stab Stab, stab, stab ♪
♪ The driver of the cart goes ♪
[Zøg honks three times]
[Chazzzzz] ♪ All night long ♪
Come on! No more beating around bush!
I'll never give up Elfo! We can give you a jester?
No, he too hacky, even for us.
[all grunting]
Wow. You made 'em even madder.
I'm queen for a day, and I ruin everything.
We're being invaded, everyone wants to kill us,
and my crown doesn't even fit.
Yeah, that was a shocker. You and your dad have such big, fat heads.
I thought your buck teeth would've caught it.
My teeth are prominent, but they don't stick out sideways.
-Do they? -A little bit.
Wow. Brutal honesty. That's true friendship.
I never had a true friend before.
What're you talkin' about, ya numbnuts?
I didn't even know what the word "friend" meant before I met you two.
Every time I said, "Hi, I'm Elfo," I was crying on the inside.
[all grunting]
[all yelling]
If we don't make it out of this together,
I want you both to know I'm gonna miss you.
I'm so sorry I got you guys into this.
You didn't get us into this, Bean.
But I can get us out of this.
Elfo, no!
[Elfo] Ow!
[grunts]
Me got him. Let's go.
I'll find you, Elfo! I'll get you back!
Don't bother, Bean.
I'm sure they'll skin me, roast me, and eat me quickly.
Oh, if you touch one hair on his head…
At least, I think that that's hair.
I swear I'm gonna kill every last one of you!
I will wipe all traces of the ogre nation from the land!
And if you've got any colonies or territories
or dependencies under your jurisdiction,
you can forget about those, too!
Now that's the way a queen threatens her enemies.
Bravo, Bean.
Oh. Hello, Luci.
Mom? Wait… How did you…
You brought the ogres here.
Oh, I had nothing to do with that, dear.
But I did enjoy the show. You handled yourself well.
You shouldn't have come back. I'm queen now.
Queen of what? There's no one here.
They all abandoned you. Just like you abandoned your father.
I didn't… I tried to help him.
You know what? That is none of your business.
You do not get to talk about my dad.
Oh? And what are you going to do about it?
I'll smash your face in. And Luci will bite your ankles!
[whistles]
Luci! Ugh.
Luci?
She blindsided me. While I was looking right at her.
-[grunting] -[dramatic music playing]
[Luci] Whoa!
[both grunting]
[Luci exclaims]
[all grunting]
I don't know why you always bring out the good half in me, Bean.
[gasps]
No. No, Luci!
What's happening? Where is this bookcase taking us?
Down, down, down.
Stop saying "down."
All the way down. To your destiny.
-And here we are. -Where are we?
[bell tolling]
Twinkletown Insane Asylum. Your new home.
[Bean grunting]
Don't push those buttons. It won't do any good.
This is an express elevator.
[Bean yells]
-[panting] -[door opens]
[suspenseful music playing]
[Dagmar] The bride has arrived.
[bell tolling]
Where am I?
[God] Welcome to Heaven, Luci.
[screaming] Hell no!
Hell yes.
[bell tolling]
[closing theme music playing]